I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
