I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
