It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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