so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
