Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im six kinds of drunk right now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
