Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
