She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize