You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
