I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
