god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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