Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
