true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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