Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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