i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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