I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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