Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
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We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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