my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
