i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
