i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
they're like a gay fantastic four
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
