i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ladies don't puke and tell
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
