if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
