oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
