Where is the hickey?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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