my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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