my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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