Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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