I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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