Cold hands, warm shart.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
