i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
