She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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