Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
