Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
