if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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