I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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