Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
As shirtless as possible
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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