I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Randomize
