no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
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You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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