Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
