i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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