i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
