Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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