I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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