i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize