They should really pass out barf bags in church
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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