What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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