Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
