i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
