What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Panties = found
Randomize
