I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
