Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
