I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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