Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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